Tag Archives: Marriage



I have been married for almost six years.  That sounds like a long time to me, but it’s probably the same way kids feel about the time between the start of school and winter break.  For the rest of us, it’s just three and a half months.  It’s a few mortgage payment.  But for those kids, it’s never-ending.  I remember that feeling well.  So yeah, six years.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but I work part-time as a bartender in a restaurant where people go to celebrate special occasions, like birthdays and engagements and anniversaries.  I often meet couples who tell me they’re celebrating 4o+ years of marriage and then I feel silly talking about my six years (well, nine really, if you count the dating time) of faithfulness like it’s some kind of great feat.  But to me, it is a great feat because it’s the first time I’ve ever been totally faithful to anyone.  I used to cheat on boyfriends all the time.  I was definitely not a good girlfriend before I met my husband.  After we met, I really thought I had changed.  Honestly, I have a flawless track record.  I practically have a halo bobbing above my head.

But at the same time, when I think about celebrating our 40th anniversary someday, I feel a little nauseous and panicky.  I wonder how I’m going to do it.  And also be happy.  And not feel like I’m missing out.  I wonder if I’ll be able to stay faithful for all those years, especially if I’m already doubting my ability to do it after only six.

As luck would have it, I’m not often tempted by anyone.  For the most part, I recognize attractiveness but am not actively attracted to anyone.  As in, I will look but feel absolutely no desire to touch.  But in very rare instances, I develop a crush.  And then I feel like I have no control so I stay far away.  But what happens when I can’t stay away?  What happens when that crush is somewhere I can’t avoid, like my job or something?  I know how these things work.  I’ll start picking up extra hours because getting to look at him once a week is not enough. And I’ll start staying late and having drinks with everyone after work, because it’s just so easy to do that with the kind of work I do.  What happens when that guy looks at me like I’m more than just a mom and I”m hopelessly attracted to him…hypothetically, I mean.

I was talking to a friend last night and she was telling me about another mutual friend of ours.  She cheated on her husband with a man who is married with four kids.  She slept with this man after spending the night laughing and drinking with the man’s wife.  His wife went to bed and she pounced.  I was shocked by it.  And disgusted and disappointed.  But how is that any different than what I’ve been talking about?

I don’t think I’d be able to handle the guilt if I ever did anything like that.  I think it would crush me.  But my fear is that if it came down to it, and it was something that I really, really wanted to do I might not be able to not do it.  If it was someone I’d been thinking about and flirting with and obsessing over.  What if I couldn’t say no?  And then I know I’d be screwed (har-de-har) because I’d be freaking out and endlessly worrying that someone would find out about.  Plus, the guilt…

I think I’m just saying all this to get it out of me.  You know, like how you’re supposed to talk about the nightmare you just had because that takes away its power to frighten you.  And if I get it out of me now, maybe I won’t feel the way I’ve been feeling and act on it later.


Grocery Store Cougar


My husband works in a grocery store.  It’s not one of those regular grocery stores, like Acme or Shoprite.  It’s one of those places that only seems to pop up in wealthier areas because rich bitches ladies will spend $6/lb. on pre-cut veggies and things like that.  Not that I have any problem with people who pay for convenience.  My mom shops there regularly.  So do I, though I really can’t afford to do so.

So anyway, this particular store is consistently on the Forbes list of top 100 companies to work for.  It’s actually pretty high up there on the list, which is of the reasons I filled out an online application for my husband while he was busy working 12-hour shifts at a dead end job.  And when he got the job, I was happy – I mean, really happy, like givethemanaBJ happy (which I really should have done, but didn’t).  It’s been pretty great, because we get so much more family time.  He’s home for dinner every night.  He has taken over the kids’ bath time, which I’ve always hated, and he helps put them to bed.  Plus we have things like dental insurance, which we need.

Another nice thing is that the kids and I can pop in and visit him whenever we’re in the area.  The kids looove visiting Daddy at work!  We usually go see him once a week.  We went in today.

As I walked toward him, trying to maneuver my double stroller around the other shoppers, I see that he and another guy he’s working with are talking to a woman – a woman who was probably in her mid-40s, wearing an outfit made entirely of spandex.  I’d call it workout gear, but she also had a blow out and a face full of makeup so it didn’t look like she was on her way to or from the gym.  But then again, this is Jersey, so full makeup and hair at the gym isn’t all that unusual…

I’ll try to describe the way she was standing.  She had one leg propped up on the shopping cart with that knee bent.  It’s kind of like the position described on the directions for inserting a tampon – one foot on the floor and one leg propped up on the tub.  Except her leg was on the shopping cart and her spandex-clad crotch was facing my husband.

Then it got awkward.

If I hadn’t had the kids with me, I would have turned and walked in another direction.  But they had already seen him and were yelling, “Daddy, DADDY!!”  He turned the shade of a beet and sort of froze.  I stammered, “Uh, you’re busy, I’ll just come back when we’re leaving.”  Co-worker and the woman went on talking like I wasn’t standing there.  Then my husband finally came out and said hello to his children.

So he tried to act all normal with me and the kids while this woman, who was still showing her crotch, was about 15 feet away.  I asked him who she was, and he said she was a friend (or regular customer) of his co-worker.  Oh and she’s a fitness trainer.  But he doesn’t know her and wasn’t talking to her.  So why was he so red in the face?  Because, according to him, he was laughing at the other guy who was flirting with her.

She finally goes to walk away, and makes sure she walks directly next to my husband, while first looking at my children and then giving me a look.

Now I used to be a very jealous person.  I was always suspicious and never hesitated to say so.  But in the last few years, I’ve matured.  I’m not like that anymore.  Or I wasn’t until today.

Here’s the thing.  A woman feels it in her gut when there’s something to worry about.  Many years ago, I was a kid working a summer job in a restaurant.  There was a cook that I had the biggest crush on.  Only thing was, he was almost twenty years older than me and married.  But being the stupid kid I was, I didn’t see that as much of an issue, so I flirted my little butt off.  One day, I had stopped in on my way to the beach to pick up my pay check.  By coincidence, he had stopped in with his family to show them around the place.  I didn’t speak to him, I didn’t even say hi, I just gave a quick wave and walked away.  Next time I worked with him, he said his wife wouldn’t stop questioning him about who I was.  I was confused because not only had we never done a single thing more than flirt, I also had barely even acknowledged him in front of her that morning.  But she knew there was something to be worried about because she felt it when she saw me.  And she was right, because a few weeks later, it went beyond flirting.

So now I’m her.  Now I’m wondering just what I interrupted today.  Was it really nothing?  Or is it something I should be worried about.  Even if it was something, it’s not like he would have confessed right then and there.  He’d lie.  Right?  Ugh.

4 diapers left…


That is what I was informed as my husband left for work this morning.

It’s Sunday – Superbowl Sunday, actually, so the stores will be even more of madhouse than a normal Sunday.  S is leaving for work until around 5:30 and both kids just went down for naps.  And we have four diapers left.  I know there will be at least one diaper change between now and the time we would leave for the store.  If anyone poops, I’m screwed.

And he doesn’t understand why I’m pissed.  Okay, here’s the explanation:

1) I bought a pack of 96 diapers less than a week ago.  It came with two sleeves, one of which I emptied into the diaper drawer and the other, I put in the closet.

2) I think we’ve been working from that first sleeve this whole time.  WRONG!  Without telling me, S:

a) moved the sleeve to a different closet, then

b) opened it and put it in the drawer.  Without. Telling. Me.

3) Between the naps, getting dressed, and eating lunch, it will take us almost 3 hours to get out of the house to any store that sells diapers.  I can only hope to God that nobody poops between now and then.


5) He tells me the diaper situation as he’s walking down the steps to leave.  He says it like it’s no big deal.  When I get pissed, he gets the same stupid blank face he gets every time he f**ks up.  And this is not the first time he’s neglected to mention we have no diapers.

I honestly want to know…how do people get though the first few years of child-raising with their marriages intact?  Not to mention, without killing their spouse…

Deep breaths


I’m taking my last pill tonight and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the witch makes a timely appearance. The last time I took it, I didn’t get my period for about ten days after my last pill. That surprised me because I’ve taken Prometrium for the same thing several time and have gotten my period within two or three days after the last pill. And they are essentially the same thing–Provera is synthetic progesterone and Prometrium is plant-derived progesterone–so shouldn’t they work the same? I hope I’m not playing the waiting game again. Weirdly, I’m having no side effects from the pills this time. Normally my boobs are really sore and I’m bloated. Not so this time. I guess that’s a good thing.

Going back to work today. My two free days are over. S. made me dinner last night, filet mignon that I bought at Wegman’s, rice (that I didn’t eat because I’m dieting) and vegetables. It was so yummy! I’m so glad he can cook because I am a disaster in the kitchen. So we had a nice dinner together and watched a movie. Tuesdays are traditionally dinner-and-a-movie night for us, but we haven’t been doing it lately. I think it’s been about a month, so it was nice to get back into it. We really need to spend some QT together, which translates into I need to stop going out to dinner/shopping/wherever with my girlfriends instead of spending time with my husband.

Infertility can be rough on a marriage. It’s very expensive and that’s a HUGE stress. We almost got into a fight yesterday because he opened up a credit card with a $10,000 limit and I told him that we should use it for the treatments. He agreed but when I brought it up yesterday and asked if he’d gotten a card in my name, he said no. He then said I could just use his card or bring him with me to the appointments. I was silent, fuming, trying not to blow up at him at the flower shop. By the time we got home, I still hadn’t said anything and was clearly upset. I was proud of myself, because after the millionth ‘What’s wrong’, instead of flying off the handle and throwing a fit, like I usually do, I was able to take a deep breath and calmly explain what was upsetting me. That I felt like he didn’t trust me to have my own card. So we handled it and he said that if I really want a card, then go online and request one. Well okay then.