Category Archives: toddlers



The last thing I remember was running through an airport with a group of friends trying to catch a flight to Paris.  We were late.  There was thunder and lightning and a shit ton of rain.  The airport was HUGE and one of my friends kept stopping to take pictures of herself to upload to Facebook, which was seriously annoying because we were going to miss our flight.  Then she sprawled out on the dirty airport floor and asked me to snap a couple shots of her because she neeeeeded a new profile pic, like, right that second.  She wouldn’t let it go and get up off the floor.  UGH!  Fine.

That’s when I heard the clicking sound.  It was happening every few seconds.  Click-click.  Pause.  Click-click.  I thought it was the shutter sound from the camera but then I slowly opened my eyes and registered the whole Paris-airport thing had been a dream.  But the clicking was still there.  I thought it was coming from outside my bedroom window.  Then I heard it again, followed by the unmistakable sound of my son’s quick yet heavy footsteps. Oh no.  I realized the clicking had been him fiddling with his doorknob, trying to open the door.  I looked at the alarm clock and it was 5:15 am.  It was still dark out.  And he was headed for his sister’s room to wake her up.  I shot up out of bed to stop him because I couldn’t fathom starting my day at 5:15 am.

I got to him in time and led him back into his own room.  I cut off all his protests about wanting to get up and go downstairs and put him back in bed,  saying that it was still dark out and everyone was sleeping and he had to go back to sleep for a little while.  I turned on his music box, put his blanket over him and left the room.  And (thank God) he stayed put and went back to sleep.

At 7:30 on the dot, he was back up and in my room. I knew there was no way he could be talked back into his bed so I dragged myself out of mine and followed him down the hall.  He woke his sister up and bounded down the stairs.  I went down, got them some juice and made myself a cup of coffee, listening to him run back and forth through the downstairs and wondering how he could possibly have the energy to go from sleeping to hyper that fast.  I gave them their juice and had a few sips of coffee.  My daughter was requesting a cheese stick, which I told her was not what she was having for breakfast and please, please, stop talking until Mommy has had her coffee.  But she kept going on about the cheese stick, so I just ignored it.  Then I looked over into the tv room at my son and he was curled up on the couch with his juice, eyes half shut, falling asleep.

Well that must be nice.  Hmph.


if this van’s a rockin’…


…it’s probably just one of the kids jumping around in the back.

Today I did something I said I’d never do.  I have officially turned in my coolness card* and moved toward my inevitable soccer mom status.  I bought a car.  Well, actually it’s a smallish van.  I has room for lots of passengers and cargo and groceries.  Finally, after two and a half years of squeezing the twins and all their gear into my tiny Corolla, I’ve given in to the idea of space and convenience and bought a minivan.  It has tinted windows and a dvd player and all the doors open at the push of a button.  And it’s actually back at the dealership right now because I’m pretty sure it’s possessed by a demon.  Or a mischievous fairy/sprite.

I drove it off the lot and went directly to work.  After I’d been inside for a half hour or so, someone came up to me and said my car alarm was going off.  What?  I have a car alarm?  Okay.  And I went out back to check it out.

Sure enough, there was a horrible and repetitive horn honking and I had no idea what caused it.  Did I hit the panic button accidentally?  I tried to turn it off and nothing happened.  So I started hitting random buttons on the remote and eventually it stopped.  And started up again about 15 seconds later.

I finally figured out that if I leave all the doors unlocked, the alarm would be deactivated.  Awesome.  Glad there’s nothing of value in the car yet, because, you know, I’d just bought it that same morning.

A few hours pass and someone else comes up to me to tell me they my headlights are on.  So I go outside to check and sure enough, the daytime running lights are on.  And they won’t turn off no matter what I do.  Eventually, someone figured out how to turn them off and a few seconds later, the car alarm started going off again.  And nothing could get it to stop.  So I took it back to the dealership for repair and got a really nice loaner sedan with a sunroof** and a touch-screen stereo system.

I can’t help but think car troubles on the day I buy a car is a bad omen.  Maybe I’m really not supposed to drive a minivan.  I even have trouble saying ‘minivan’ out loud – I sort of choke on the word as it comes out.  It feels unnatural.  When I first got to work yesterday, I mentioned it to one person and asked he keep it a secret so I no one would make fun of me.   It was like the van (or the sprite, as I’m leaning more toward sprite than demon) was just trying to out me to my co-workers.  Yes, this girl woman mom has now given up her youth completely and is now driving the stereotypical mom-mobile.  And now everyone knows it because the stupid van was so damn loud about it!

*Yeah, yeah, I realize I was never really that cool.  Whatever.

**Possessed Minivan also has a sunroof, so if I avoid looking in the rearview mirror at the cavernous space behind me, I can pretend I’m driving something smaller and less awful.

Toddler weirdness


You know how they say toddler can be a bit…um…quirky?  Yeah.

Eliza must – must! – wear socks to bed.  Both for naps and actual bedtime.  It doesn’t matter if it’s 99 degrees outside.  Socks.  Always.

Jack finds some things inexplicably terrifying.  We cannot put on the Cuckoo Bears episode of Team Oomizoomi or the King episode of Little Einsteins.  And if there is a housefly buzzing around, the boy goes into hysterics.

Jack will only drink from a sippy with a blue or green lid.  If I hand him the wrong cup, he freaks.  If there are two cups, one with a yellow lid and one with an orange lid, he gets very confused and looks back and forth between the two of them for about three minutes, considering the choice.  I am afraid to let Eliza pick because if she picks the ‘wrong’ one, Jack will freak.  Today, he didn’t want the cup with the blue lid, but took the orange lid instead.  I really think he’s trying to drive me insane.

At 2.5, Eliza still puts everything in her mouth.  Everything.  Still.

When Jack goes down for bed or naps, he pulls the hair out of a teddy bear and makes fuzz balls.  He then sticks the fuzz between his lip and pacifier* so when he wakes up, it looks like he has a brown mustache.  Then when he pulls the fuzz off, he gags.

Eliza needs to take her shirt off to use the potty.**

If I change anything in Jack’s room – add a new lamp, move his bed a little to the left, put a new animal decal on the wall, add an window a/c unit – we don’t expect to get any sleep for a couple nights because he fears change.

They are drawn like magnets to my printer.  Anything can be shoved inside a printer.  The other day I cleared a paper jam that consisted of three matchbox cars, a crumpled up piece of junk mail, half a bowl of Chex cereal and some wet substance.  They cannot help themselves.

I am not allowed to sing along with anything on TV because Jack hates it.  Honestly, I can’t really blame him for that one.

*Yeah, they both still sleep with a pacifier.  Shoot me.

**But at least she’s trying to use the potty.  Jack won’t even sit on it – it’s another one of his fears.