Category Archives: Relationships

Temptation

Standard

I have been married for almost six years.  That sounds like a long time to me, but it’s probably the same way kids feel about the time between the start of school and winter break.  For the rest of us, it’s just three and a half months.  It’s a few mortgage payment.  But for those kids, it’s never-ending.  I remember that feeling well.  So yeah, six years.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but I work part-time as a bartender in a restaurant where people go to celebrate special occasions, like birthdays and engagements and anniversaries.  I often meet couples who tell me they’re celebrating 4o+ years of marriage and then I feel silly talking about my six years (well, nine really, if you count the dating time) of faithfulness like it’s some kind of great feat.  But to me, it is a great feat because it’s the first time I’ve ever been totally faithful to anyone.  I used to cheat on boyfriends all the time.  I was definitely not a good girlfriend before I met my husband.  After we met, I really thought I had changed.  Honestly, I have a flawless track record.  I practically have a halo bobbing above my head.

But at the same time, when I think about celebrating our 40th anniversary someday, I feel a little nauseous and panicky.  I wonder how I’m going to do it.  And also be happy.  And not feel like I’m missing out.  I wonder if I’ll be able to stay faithful for all those years, especially if I’m already doubting my ability to do it after only six.

As luck would have it, I’m not often tempted by anyone.  For the most part, I recognize attractiveness but am not actively attracted to anyone.  As in, I will look but feel absolutely no desire to touch.  But in very rare instances, I develop a crush.  And then I feel like I have no control so I stay far away.  But what happens when I can’t stay away?  What happens when that crush is somewhere I can’t avoid, like my job or something?  I know how these things work.  I’ll start picking up extra hours because getting to look at him once a week is not enough. And I’ll start staying late and having drinks with everyone after work, because it’s just so easy to do that with the kind of work I do.  What happens when that guy looks at me like I’m more than just a mom and I”m hopelessly attracted to him…hypothetically, I mean.

I was talking to a friend last night and she was telling me about another mutual friend of ours.  She cheated on her husband with a man who is married with four kids.  She slept with this man after spending the night laughing and drinking with the man’s wife.  His wife went to bed and she pounced.  I was shocked by it.  And disgusted and disappointed.  But how is that any different than what I’ve been talking about?

I don’t think I’d be able to handle the guilt if I ever did anything like that.  I think it would crush me.  But my fear is that if it came down to it, and it was something that I really, really wanted to do I might not be able to not do it.  If it was someone I’d been thinking about and flirting with and obsessing over.  What if I couldn’t say no?  And then I know I’d be screwed (har-de-har) because I’d be freaking out and endlessly worrying that someone would find out about.  Plus, the guilt…

I think I’m just saying all this to get it out of me.  You know, like how you’re supposed to talk about the nightmare you just had because that takes away its power to frighten you.  And if I get it out of me now, maybe I won’t feel the way I’ve been feeling and act on it later.

Advertisements

Things that annoy (revised)

Standard

I was going to write a post listing all the things about my husband that annoy me.  It was not going to be a short list and after getting into it, I started feeling not so good about myself for writing it.  I decided instead of hating on my husband, I’d write a list of thing that I do which I’m sure must annoy him, even though he’s nice enough not to mention them, let alone go around making lists cataloging my flaws. 😉

1. I pick all the good stuff out of any food that has good stuff in it – cookie dough from the ice cream, marshmallows from the cereal, the good dried fruit bits from the mixed dried fruit – and leave the rest for him.

2.  I leave clumps of hair in the shower drain and then bitch at him when he sticks it to the shower wall (cause that’s gross!).

3.  Sometimes I have a little too much wine and tell him a bunch of stuff and then the next morning I tell him all the same stuff because I don’t remember that I already told him.

4.  More times than not, I don’t do dishes or clean up after myself when I cook.  I will never switch the laundry.  I save a nice big mess for when he comes home from work then I act like I’m completely overwhelmed and just need a break.

5.  I have the shortest temper of anyone I’ve ever met.

6.  It doesn’t matter who I’m mad at, I take it out on him.

7.  I’m a nag.  Totally.

8.  I get in moods where I want to get everything done.  Like right away and all at the same time.  I start off all determined, get mad when it doesn’t get done as quickly as I thought it would, get frustrated and overwhelmed and take a break that sometimes lasts weeks.  And then I get mad at him because the things aren’t done.

9.  This has happened several times now: I pick out a color to paint a wall.  I buy the paint and he paints it.  Then I wait a few weeks, hate the color and make him repaint some other color.  He is now repainting our bedroom, because when I was about five months pregnant, I decided I wanted it painted blood red.  I had this awesome idea in my head about red walls with all black and white decor.  Unfortunately, after I bought a bedspread, I forgot about decorating the rest of the room.  So it’s a red room with a black and white bedspread and nothing else.  I told him he should never have listened to a crazy, twin-pregnancy-hormone-infused woman when she asked for red bedroom walls in the first place.  His answer was he would never say no to a crazy, twin-pregnancy-hormone-infused woman no matter what insane thing she wanted.  And also, he liked the red walls.

10.  Guess who did 99.9% of the overnight feedings with the twins.  (hint: it wasn’t me)

Okay, so there you have it.  He is not perfect – he has his flaws, but so do I. I am not always, but I can be a pretty shitty wife when I want to be and he has never once complained about me or thrown any of that stuff in my face.  Not ever.  And he rubs my feet every single night. I am very lucky. 🙂

4 diapers left…

Standard

That is what I was informed as my husband left for work this morning.

It’s Sunday – Superbowl Sunday, actually, so the stores will be even more of madhouse than a normal Sunday.  S is leaving for work until around 5:30 and both kids just went down for naps.  And we have four diapers left.  I know there will be at least one diaper change between now and the time we would leave for the store.  If anyone poops, I’m screwed.

And he doesn’t understand why I’m pissed.  Okay, here’s the explanation:

1) I bought a pack of 96 diapers less than a week ago.  It came with two sleeves, one of which I emptied into the diaper drawer and the other, I put in the closet.

2) I think we’ve been working from that first sleeve this whole time.  WRONG!  Without telling me, S:

a) moved the sleeve to a different closet, then

b) opened it and put it in the drawer.  Without. Telling. Me.

3) Between the naps, getting dressed, and eating lunch, it will take us almost 3 hours to get out of the house to any store that sells diapers.  I can only hope to God that nobody poops between now and then.

4) IT’S SUPERBOWL SUNDAY, FOR F**KS SAKE!!!

5) He tells me the diaper situation as he’s walking down the steps to leave.  He says it like it’s no big deal.  When I get pissed, he gets the same stupid blank face he gets every time he f**ks up.  And this is not the first time he’s neglected to mention we have no diapers.

I honestly want to know…how do people get though the first few years of child-raising with their marriages intact?  Not to mention, without killing their spouse…

Deep breaths

Standard

I’m taking my last pill tonight and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the witch makes a timely appearance. The last time I took it, I didn’t get my period for about ten days after my last pill. That surprised me because I’ve taken Prometrium for the same thing several time and have gotten my period within two or three days after the last pill. And they are essentially the same thing–Provera is synthetic progesterone and Prometrium is plant-derived progesterone–so shouldn’t they work the same? I hope I’m not playing the waiting game again. Weirdly, I’m having no side effects from the pills this time. Normally my boobs are really sore and I’m bloated. Not so this time. I guess that’s a good thing.

Going back to work today. My two free days are over. S. made me dinner last night, filet mignon that I bought at Wegman’s, rice (that I didn’t eat because I’m dieting) and vegetables. It was so yummy! I’m so glad he can cook because I am a disaster in the kitchen. So we had a nice dinner together and watched a movie. Tuesdays are traditionally dinner-and-a-movie night for us, but we haven’t been doing it lately. I think it’s been about a month, so it was nice to get back into it. We really need to spend some QT together, which translates into I need to stop going out to dinner/shopping/wherever with my girlfriends instead of spending time with my husband.

Infertility can be rough on a marriage. It’s very expensive and that’s a HUGE stress. We almost got into a fight yesterday because he opened up a credit card with a $10,000 limit and I told him that we should use it for the treatments. He agreed but when I brought it up yesterday and asked if he’d gotten a card in my name, he said no. He then said I could just use his card or bring him with me to the appointments. I was silent, fuming, trying not to blow up at him at the flower shop. By the time we got home, I still hadn’t said anything and was clearly upset. I was proud of myself, because after the millionth ‘What’s wrong’, instead of flying off the handle and throwing a fit, like I usually do, I was able to take a deep breath and calmly explain what was upsetting me. That I felt like he didn’t trust me to have my own card. So we handled it and he said that if I really want a card, then go online and request one. Well okay then.

Provera (again) PLUS some well-earned bitching

Standard

Ahhh, my first entry. I’m going to try to keep this as non-whiny as I can manage as far as the infertility stuff goes, but I reserve the right to complain ad nauseum about anything work related because, well, my job sucks.

I started Provera yesterday to bring on my period so that I can move forward with another cycle of injectables/IUI. Fun stuff. I have PCOS, a hormonal problem, the result of which is anovulation and infertility. This cycle will be my second attempt at pregnancy. Well, it’s my second inject./IUI attempt. We’ve been trying to conceive without serious medical intervention for almost 2 years.

So, here’s what will happen in the next few weeks. After I get my period, I’ll be giving myself daily injections of Follicle Stimulating Hormone to FORCE my ovaries to mature an egg (or several eggs). I also have to get ultrasounds and bloodwork every couple days to see how my ovaries and hormones are doing. I don’t particularly like that part, mainly because the appointments are so early in the morning. I have to get up at 6 am to be there on time. Another concern is that between meds, monitoring and IUI/sperm wash, this next month will cost us around $3000. Anyway, once the eggs are ready, I’ll go in and be inseminated with my husband’s sperm. It’s really not that bad. The needles don’t hurt–I can barely feel them. The insemination is uncomfortable, but doesn’t last long.

I wonder if this will be worth it in the end. I find it a little funny that I’m going through all this (time, discomfort, embarrassment, EXPENSE) to try to have something that will completely alter my life. Here I sit, complaining that I have to get up super early for doctor appointments, and the sole purpose of all of it is to have something that will wake me up at an un-Godly hour every single day. Sort of funny, when you think about it.

Whew, now that the infertility stuff is out of the way…

Work was absolute hell last night. We had a party of 25 that was supposed to stay outside but they got hot (waaahh!) and came in to the bar. Of course G.D. had to leave because God forbid he actually sticks around any later than 10 pm. He did his usual walk-quickly-back-and-forth-between-the-bar-and-the-kitchen thing, appearing to be busy, while actually doing nothing. So, he made all the money off the party, skated out of doing any cleanup and left early. He is a lazy little shit.

Their was also an anniversary party upstairs that D-R-A-N-K. So I was busy and made lots of money. Which is good. But by the end, I was covered in a layer of filth, on top of a layer of sweat, all covered by a layer of stinky clothes. Gross.

In other news, it’s coming up. The stupid “anniversary”. No, not my wedding anniversary, an older one. This one will be here on July 3rd and I will celebrate mourn acknowledge it quietly by myself. It’s been 11 years…I can’t effing believe it. I don’t even think of that girl as being me…it’s like all that nonsense happened to some other stupid girl. I haven’t seen the man in about 8 years, but I can still see his face in my mind. I can hear his voice, just like he was standing here talking to me. When I start thinking about it, I need to pull out my old journals to remind myself how unhappy he made me. Sometimes time and space erase those memories, and I’m glad relieved that I documented them so well so I don’t forget.