Category Archives: Marriage



I have been married for almost six years.  That sounds like a long time to me, but it’s probably the same way kids feel about the time between the start of school and winter break.  For the rest of us, it’s just three and a half months.  It’s a few mortgage payment.  But for those kids, it’s never-ending.  I remember that feeling well.  So yeah, six years.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but I work part-time as a bartender in a restaurant where people go to celebrate special occasions, like birthdays and engagements and anniversaries.  I often meet couples who tell me they’re celebrating 4o+ years of marriage and then I feel silly talking about my six years (well, nine really, if you count the dating time) of faithfulness like it’s some kind of great feat.  But to me, it is a great feat because it’s the first time I’ve ever been totally faithful to anyone.  I used to cheat on boyfriends all the time.  I was definitely not a good girlfriend before I met my husband.  After we met, I really thought I had changed.  Honestly, I have a flawless track record.  I practically have a halo bobbing above my head.

But at the same time, when I think about celebrating our 40th anniversary someday, I feel a little nauseous and panicky.  I wonder how I’m going to do it.  And also be happy.  And not feel like I’m missing out.  I wonder if I’ll be able to stay faithful for all those years, especially if I’m already doubting my ability to do it after only six.

As luck would have it, I’m not often tempted by anyone.  For the most part, I recognize attractiveness but am not actively attracted to anyone.  As in, I will look but feel absolutely no desire to touch.  But in very rare instances, I develop a crush.  And then I feel like I have no control so I stay far away.  But what happens when I can’t stay away?  What happens when that crush is somewhere I can’t avoid, like my job or something?  I know how these things work.  I’ll start picking up extra hours because getting to look at him once a week is not enough. And I’ll start staying late and having drinks with everyone after work, because it’s just so easy to do that with the kind of work I do.  What happens when that guy looks at me like I’m more than just a mom and I”m hopelessly attracted to him…hypothetically, I mean.

I was talking to a friend last night and she was telling me about another mutual friend of ours.  She cheated on her husband with a man who is married with four kids.  She slept with this man after spending the night laughing and drinking with the man’s wife.  His wife went to bed and she pounced.  I was shocked by it.  And disgusted and disappointed.  But how is that any different than what I’ve been talking about?

I don’t think I’d be able to handle the guilt if I ever did anything like that.  I think it would crush me.  But my fear is that if it came down to it, and it was something that I really, really wanted to do I might not be able to not do it.  If it was someone I’d been thinking about and flirting with and obsessing over.  What if I couldn’t say no?  And then I know I’d be screwed (har-de-har) because I’d be freaking out and endlessly worrying that someone would find out about.  Plus, the guilt…

I think I’m just saying all this to get it out of me.  You know, like how you’re supposed to talk about the nightmare you just had because that takes away its power to frighten you.  And if I get it out of me now, maybe I won’t feel the way I’ve been feeling and act on it later.


Grocery Store Cougar


My husband works in a grocery store.  It’s not one of those regular grocery stores, like Acme or Shoprite.  It’s one of those places that only seems to pop up in wealthier areas because rich bitches ladies will spend $6/lb. on pre-cut veggies and things like that.  Not that I have any problem with people who pay for convenience.  My mom shops there regularly.  So do I, though I really can’t afford to do so.

So anyway, this particular store is consistently on the Forbes list of top 100 companies to work for.  It’s actually pretty high up there on the list, which is of the reasons I filled out an online application for my husband while he was busy working 12-hour shifts at a dead end job.  And when he got the job, I was happy – I mean, really happy, like givethemanaBJ happy (which I really should have done, but didn’t).  It’s been pretty great, because we get so much more family time.  He’s home for dinner every night.  He has taken over the kids’ bath time, which I’ve always hated, and he helps put them to bed.  Plus we have things like dental insurance, which we need.

Another nice thing is that the kids and I can pop in and visit him whenever we’re in the area.  The kids looove visiting Daddy at work!  We usually go see him once a week.  We went in today.

As I walked toward him, trying to maneuver my double stroller around the other shoppers, I see that he and another guy he’s working with are talking to a woman – a woman who was probably in her mid-40s, wearing an outfit made entirely of spandex.  I’d call it workout gear, but she also had a blow out and a face full of makeup so it didn’t look like she was on her way to or from the gym.  But then again, this is Jersey, so full makeup and hair at the gym isn’t all that unusual…

I’ll try to describe the way she was standing.  She had one leg propped up on the shopping cart with that knee bent.  It’s kind of like the position described on the directions for inserting a tampon – one foot on the floor and one leg propped up on the tub.  Except her leg was on the shopping cart and her spandex-clad crotch was facing my husband.

Then it got awkward.

If I hadn’t had the kids with me, I would have turned and walked in another direction.  But they had already seen him and were yelling, “Daddy, DADDY!!”  He turned the shade of a beet and sort of froze.  I stammered, “Uh, you’re busy, I’ll just come back when we’re leaving.”  Co-worker and the woman went on talking like I wasn’t standing there.  Then my husband finally came out and said hello to his children.

So he tried to act all normal with me and the kids while this woman, who was still showing her crotch, was about 15 feet away.  I asked him who she was, and he said she was a friend (or regular customer) of his co-worker.  Oh and she’s a fitness trainer.  But he doesn’t know her and wasn’t talking to her.  So why was he so red in the face?  Because, according to him, he was laughing at the other guy who was flirting with her.

She finally goes to walk away, and makes sure she walks directly next to my husband, while first looking at my children and then giving me a look.

Now I used to be a very jealous person.  I was always suspicious and never hesitated to say so.  But in the last few years, I’ve matured.  I’m not like that anymore.  Or I wasn’t until today.

Here’s the thing.  A woman feels it in her gut when there’s something to worry about.  Many years ago, I was a kid working a summer job in a restaurant.  There was a cook that I had the biggest crush on.  Only thing was, he was almost twenty years older than me and married.  But being the stupid kid I was, I didn’t see that as much of an issue, so I flirted my little butt off.  One day, I had stopped in on my way to the beach to pick up my pay check.  By coincidence, he had stopped in with his family to show them around the place.  I didn’t speak to him, I didn’t even say hi, I just gave a quick wave and walked away.  Next time I worked with him, he said his wife wouldn’t stop questioning him about who I was.  I was confused because not only had we never done a single thing more than flirt, I also had barely even acknowledged him in front of her that morning.  But she knew there was something to be worried about because she felt it when she saw me.  And she was right, because a few weeks later, it went beyond flirting.

So now I’m her.  Now I’m wondering just what I interrupted today.  Was it really nothing?  Or is it something I should be worried about.  Even if it was something, it’s not like he would have confessed right then and there.  He’d lie.  Right?  Ugh.

Things that annoy (revised)


I was going to write a post listing all the things about my husband that annoy me.  It was not going to be a short list and after getting into it, I started feeling not so good about myself for writing it.  I decided instead of hating on my husband, I’d write a list of thing that I do which I’m sure must annoy him, even though he’s nice enough not to mention them, let alone go around making lists cataloging my flaws. 😉

1. I pick all the good stuff out of any food that has good stuff in it – cookie dough from the ice cream, marshmallows from the cereal, the good dried fruit bits from the mixed dried fruit – and leave the rest for him.

2.  I leave clumps of hair in the shower drain and then bitch at him when he sticks it to the shower wall (cause that’s gross!).

3.  Sometimes I have a little too much wine and tell him a bunch of stuff and then the next morning I tell him all the same stuff because I don’t remember that I already told him.

4.  More times than not, I don’t do dishes or clean up after myself when I cook.  I will never switch the laundry.  I save a nice big mess for when he comes home from work then I act like I’m completely overwhelmed and just need a break.

5.  I have the shortest temper of anyone I’ve ever met.

6.  It doesn’t matter who I’m mad at, I take it out on him.

7.  I’m a nag.  Totally.

8.  I get in moods where I want to get everything done.  Like right away and all at the same time.  I start off all determined, get mad when it doesn’t get done as quickly as I thought it would, get frustrated and overwhelmed and take a break that sometimes lasts weeks.  And then I get mad at him because the things aren’t done.

9.  This has happened several times now: I pick out a color to paint a wall.  I buy the paint and he paints it.  Then I wait a few weeks, hate the color and make him repaint some other color.  He is now repainting our bedroom, because when I was about five months pregnant, I decided I wanted it painted blood red.  I had this awesome idea in my head about red walls with all black and white decor.  Unfortunately, after I bought a bedspread, I forgot about decorating the rest of the room.  So it’s a red room with a black and white bedspread and nothing else.  I told him he should never have listened to a crazy, twin-pregnancy-hormone-infused woman when she asked for red bedroom walls in the first place.  His answer was he would never say no to a crazy, twin-pregnancy-hormone-infused woman no matter what insane thing she wanted.  And also, he liked the red walls.

10.  Guess who did 99.9% of the overnight feedings with the twins.  (hint: it wasn’t me)

Okay, so there you have it.  He is not perfect – he has his flaws, but so do I. I am not always, but I can be a pretty shitty wife when I want to be and he has never once complained about me or thrown any of that stuff in my face.  Not ever.  And he rubs my feet every single night. I am very lucky. 🙂

Pro and Cons


When I was much younger, I thought I’d like to be a single parent.  I’ve never been much good at compromise so I thought it would be a better idea for me – I’d get my way every single time. I would be the only boss!  What I didn’t think about was how difficult parenting actually is.  I mean it’s freaking time-consuming!  There are no guaranteed breaks.  Nothing ever goes according to plan.  I’ve actually stopped making plans because it bothers me too much if when things don’t work out the way I intended.  So I’m very grateful to have a partner, someone I can ‘tag in’ when I need a break, even though he doesn’t get home from work until after 10 pm.  Hey, a break is a break, right?  As long as I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel at the end of a particular horrific day, I’m okay.

Then there are days like today.  Today I don’t have a partner, I have another dependent.  I have a large child with the most annoying blank stare I’ve ever seen.  It’s the kind of look that contorts my face and makes my eyes glow demon-red with frustration.  Okay, not really, but that’s what it feels like on the inside.  It’s the kind of stare that makes me wonder why I bother trying at all.

I remember my mother telling me she couldn’t wait for me to have kids so I’d ‘understand’.  Well it’s not the kids that are driving me nuts – at least not yet.  It’s him.

The difference between him and me is: I try.  I know how that sounds but it’s true.  When I’m home with them, which is just about every day, I make sure they get fed when they’re used to eating, naps, baths, diaper changes, play time, change of scenery, bottles.  Basically, we have a schedule that we’re all used to and it’s comfortable for all of us.

When it’s S’s turn, it’s like he’s being stubborn on purpose, just to prove he can do things the way he wants to do it.  They miss naps, don’t ever get their teeth brushed in the morning, stay in their footie pajamas all day and never leave the TV room.  S plays video games from the couch and pretty much ignores them.  At night, he flat-out refuses to give them a bottle before bringing them upstairs to go to bed.  He brings them up, plays with them for a little while, puts their PJs on (assuming at some point during the day, he felt like getting them dressed), and all the while they get crankier and more tired.  Then I’ll come up and start brushing their teeth and casually ask if they’ve had a bottle.  No, of course they haven’t.  So here we are, about 45 minutes past their regular bedtime and they haven’t even had a bottle yet.  And I will have to rebrush their teeth. And this is the day that’s supposed to be my ‘break’.

I know how this sounds – like I’m a controlling maniac who is using this blog as a device to bitch out her poor husband to a bunch of strangers on the internet.  It sounds horrible.  It sounds just as horrible when I say it to him on a daily basis.  It’s always something.  Not one day can go by without him doing something to piss me off.  No, the world doesn’t end because they’re off the schedule for one day, but it would be nice if I felt like S was on my team instead of some rogue player who steps in once a week.  Like he’s a freelance parent or something.

This morning, I got out of the shower to come downstairs and find my 1-year old twins in their feeding chairs with a try full of fresh peaches and no supervision whatsoever.  S was in the kitchen washing dishes (here it is – the PRO: I’ll give him props for that – he’s really good about washing dishes).  They have been eating solid food for only a few months.  I have told him, I don’t know, A MILLION TIMES, that he needs to be in the room with them when they eat.  Not necessarily staring at them the whole time, but at least in the room able to look over every once in a while.  I’ve tried to explain to him that choking is not the loud production we often see depicted on TV.  It’s quiet and then it’s too late.  So what does he do?  He waits for me to be somewhere else so he can sneak off and do things the way he wants to.  And then when I catch him, I get the look.  It’s the same look my dog gives me when I come in to find he’s pooped on the floor.  I guess it’s better than the blank stare though. :/

I’m honestly at a loss.  I know I need to be less controlling but I also need to be able to trust him to have better judgment when it comes to our kids.

4 diapers left…


That is what I was informed as my husband left for work this morning.

It’s Sunday – Superbowl Sunday, actually, so the stores will be even more of madhouse than a normal Sunday.  S is leaving for work until around 5:30 and both kids just went down for naps.  And we have four diapers left.  I know there will be at least one diaper change between now and the time we would leave for the store.  If anyone poops, I’m screwed.

And he doesn’t understand why I’m pissed.  Okay, here’s the explanation:

1) I bought a pack of 96 diapers less than a week ago.  It came with two sleeves, one of which I emptied into the diaper drawer and the other, I put in the closet.

2) I think we’ve been working from that first sleeve this whole time.  WRONG!  Without telling me, S:

a) moved the sleeve to a different closet, then

b) opened it and put it in the drawer.  Without. Telling. Me.

3) Between the naps, getting dressed, and eating lunch, it will take us almost 3 hours to get out of the house to any store that sells diapers.  I can only hope to God that nobody poops between now and then.


5) He tells me the diaper situation as he’s walking down the steps to leave.  He says it like it’s no big deal.  When I get pissed, he gets the same stupid blank face he gets every time he f**ks up.  And this is not the first time he’s neglected to mention we have no diapers.

I honestly want to know…how do people get though the first few years of child-raising with their marriages intact?  Not to mention, without killing their spouse…

shameless self-indulgence and my happy place


My confession:

In times like these, when I should be addressing my emotions and grieving yet another loss, I often push everything away and go to my happy place–a place that wasn’t actually happy when I was there for real, but that I have carefully modified to meet my needs.  I indulge in memories and fantasies about a certain ex, thinking about things that actually happened and then what if we were to run into each other now.  Would we still have feelings for each other, would it turn into something more? Blah, blah, blah…

Healthy?  No, certainly not.   And what makes it worse is that I get so involved in these fantasies that I have to pull out old journals to remind myself that the real him was NOTHING like my avoidance-fantasy him.  And that after a decade of not seeing each other, I doubt he would even recognize me.

So here I am again, surrounding myself with old and probably wildly inaccurate memories, in the hopes of avoiding grief and depression for just a little while longer.  But at some point, I need to remember the truth.  What happened was NOT fun, save a few short months at the beginning.


He was married and 37 when we met.  I was 20.  He said all the things they always seem to say…

My wife doesn’t understand me

If she wasn’t pregnant we never would have gotten married

I don’t even sleep with her anymore

I love her as the mother of my children, but I haven’t felt anything more for her in a loooong time

I fell for it, truly believing that I–some twenty year old girl who still lived with her parents–had the capacity to understand him so much better than her.  I was incredibly foolish, but also completely infatuated.

All that went on for two years, I won’t bore you with the details because if you’ve seen any Lifetime made for TV movie, you get the gist.  Basically, he told me he was going to leave her so we could be together. He lied and I stupidly believed him.  Then, after two years of empty promises, I took my head out of the sand and ended it.


I think we both made the right decision–him not leaving and me giving up.  I never would have been able to tell my parents ‘Surprise, I’m running off with a 40-year-old, soon-to-be-divorced father of three!’  I never really considered what it would mean if he left her, all I knew is that I’d be in a pretty tough spot.  And, no, I really wasn’t concerned with how it would affect his family–I was essentially still a kid and it was all about me.  Conscience, shmonsciene…

I was (more than) a little bit afraid of him, for various reasons.  I knew if he left them and then I flaked out (which was bound to happen) I would be in big trouble…not that it would ever have happened, but if it did.  Those things started to occur to me toward the end.  If I kept pushing and for some reason, he caved and left them, what would I do?  Was the prize worth all the struggle?  In the end, I realized that it wasn’t.  And when I ended it, I felt nothing but relief.

But that feeling has evaporated over time.  His transgressions (and there were many of them, trust me) faded into the background and my memory replaced it with older, more pleasant ones.  Instead of thinking about being ditched, being talked down to, yelled at, left in cheap motels when he had to go back home, I thought about the first time he kissed me (amazing) or when I’d meet him in the park during his lunch break…

How strange that I’m still dwelling on all this, even if it’s just from time to time.  I had boyfriends both before and after him.  I’ve been with my husband for more than five years, married for just over two.  I love him and I’m happy, infertility aside.  I have never and would never cheat on him and I know that.  But it still bugs me that I’ve never been able to really let that one go.  I think I just miss being young and stupid.  And maybe I miss the drama a little bit too.

starting to feel like deja vu


I’m pregnant again.  And worried again.  I am 14dpo today and had an episode of bright red spotting two days ago.  It lasted most of Friday night, which just occurred to me is the same day of the week the bleeding started during my last m/c.  It wasn’t exactly like last time though…the blood wasn’t like period blood, which for me is usually a darker red.  This was more orangy-red and thin.   And it was not heavy like last time.

Saturday I worked a double and kept running to the bathroom to check but there was not a drop of blood.  I had some pretty painful cramping last night around 2:30 am, which actually entered the dream I was having and woke me up.  It was the kind of cramping that normally accompanies heavy bleeding, but when I went to the bathroom, nada.  I don’t know what that was about but I haven’t had any bleeding or spotting so far today either.

I don’t have a beta scheduled until tomorrow morning but I have continued testing at home which has yielded mixed results.  The tests don’t seem to be darkening a whole lot but they’re not getting lighter either.   I really wish there was a way to look into the future and see how this one is going to turn out.  I suppose all I can do is wait and try to relax.

All this testing and obsessing has been going on since the middle of last week.  I have my pile of tests (there are now eight of them) hidden on a shelf behind some paperwork.  I really want to tell my husband but I’m afraid of having to disappoint him again.  Not that he’d be upset with me, I just don’t want to put him through the heartache again if something happens.  I suppose I will have to tell him eventually though…