Anniversary

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Today is our 6th wedding anniversary.  We had planned a trip to Massachusetts, which we ended up cancelling last minute because of Hurricane Sandy, aka Frankenstorm(!!!) so now we’re home with the kids, waiting for the wild weather.  Also because of the storm, my parents didn’t want to take the kids overnight, so we didn’t even get to do dinner or anything.  Just as well, I suppose.

Last year, there was a freak snow storm on our anniversary.  This year, there is what they are calling an ‘epic’ hurricane.  Is the universe trying to tell us something?

Truth is, things haven’t been great lately.  I’ve spent a lot of time being annoyed and frustrated, wondering if we will stay married or will end up divorced at some point.  I barely sleep.  He sleeps on the couch.  I’m not even sure why that started, but it’s been like that for a long time.  He seems to be oblivious to my worries.

Maybe I’m just bored.  I’m not sure what I’m expecting.  Even if we did split up, I’d most likely meet someone else and feel exactly the same way about him in a few years, so it seems a little pointless to go anywhere if this will just happen again.  But I miss newness.  And I hate myself for my feelings.

He got me a card, and I got him nothing.  I stood in the card aisle at Target for 20 minutes, trying to find one that adequately expressed how I feel, but I couldn’t so I left with nothing.  I wish they made funny anniversary cards but I guess humor is not the emotion most couples use to express their love for each other.  His words to me were so sweet though.  I almost cried because I felt so guilty and ashamed.  He even got us a card from the kids.  I am awful.  I should be the one doing that, not him.

I need to try harder.  I need to figure something out.

I will try today.  I will be a good wife, a fun wife.  I will be the wife I intended to be when we got married.  I will make an effort all day not to be snappish and mean.  I will be present.  We will have a good day, despite the wicked hurricane tearing through our world.

Happy Anniversary to us.

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