Fruit flies and other f-words (be warned)


Anyone remember that experiment in high school bio where you had to grow several generations of fruit flies and study their genetic, like, traits or whatever?  I don’t remember the specifics of the experiment but I remember the reason we used them.  According to my biology teacher, the lifespan of a fruit fly is only around a day or so and they breed every day.  So each day there is a new generation to study, until eventually, the whole science lab is full of fruit flies.

I’m sure we learned a lot about genes from that experiment.  Here’s what we did not learn:  How the fuck do you get rid of them?

I’ve been fighting a war in my kitchen.  A war against fruit flies.  They are disgusting.  They smell.  They come out of nowhere and breed and breed and breed.  They are driving my fucking nuts.  There is one buzzing around my hand as I type this.

I’ve tried all the methods I’ve heard about and nothing works.  Nothing.  I’ve been maniacally cleaning my kitchen surfaces and have reluctantly started refrigerating my tomatoes and bananas.  I have bowls of wine laying out, in hope they’ll drown themselves.  I’ve even started doing the dishes a little more frequently in order to keep them from having any kind of food source.  It’s not working.

I can smell them in certain spots in my kitchen but it’s usually in a weird spot where there is no concentration of them.  Maybe I’m just going a little insane…

I remember my very first apartment on my own.  First I should tell you I was a total slob.  I had no dishwasher and I’d just let the dishes pile up in the sink until I had nothing to eat on or drink out of.  Once the pile of dishes got so huge and intimidating that the idea of washing them was too overwhelming, I bought some paper plates and left them for another few days.  They smelled awful though, like rot, and something had to be done.  I finally decided I’d put the dishes in a laundry basket and take them to my mom’s house and run them through the dishwasher.  When I pulled a dish off the pile, hundreds of fruit flies swarmed around my face.  Generations and generations of them.  It was like a disgusting fucking fruit fly family reunion!  And when I looked at the underside of the plate I’d just pealed off the pile, it was covered in some gross and very smelly black substance.  Eggs, maybe?  I wasn’t sure, but I knew it had to be fruit fly-related.

That story does not portray me in a positive light, which is why I lead off with the bio thing.  I know, it’s not the fruit flies’ fault that I’m still kind of a slob and I like to leave food out.  I’m not as bad as I used to be, but I’ve never been accused of being a neat freak.  Or even of being somewhat tidy.  But still, I don’t want bugs in the house, landing on my food and doing God-knows-what.  We’ve all heard what flies do every time they land, right?  They PUKE.  That may or may not be true (and it may or may not apply to fruit flies), but I’m not taking chances, so out comes the fly swatter as soon as I see one, since my cats are now too fat and lazy to go after them anymore.

Anyway, the damn fruit flies.  I just killed one with my bare hands a second ago because I’m that fucking powerful.  Actually I’d been swatting at it for the better part of an hour and it kept slipping through my fingers.  I finally got it and it and it’s blood got on my hand (Hey, didya know fruit flies bleed?  I had no idea…).  Guess what happened next.  Just fucking guess.  I was feeling really self-congratulatory about my kill when in my periphery, I saw another fucking fruit fly buzz over and take the place of the one I killed just like nothing happened!  These little fuckers are evil!

I need some ideas.  Anyone?!


2 responses »

  1. Hahaha try checking your garbage can. Me and my roommates had this problem in dorm, we bought a trash can with a lid and it helped A LOT. But yeaa… Wash the dishes and keep whatever food you have in the fridge (at least in the summer)! Best of luck to you. Those bastards are EVERYWHERE

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