Precipice

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Did you ever set a date for something, thinking it was so far in the future that you wouldn’t have to think about it for ages?  Then all of a sudden, you realize the date is fast approaching and you’re nowhere near ready for whatever the thing is you’re supposed to be doing?

A little before the twins turned one, a friend of mine got engaged.  She asked me to be in her wedding and also asked all of us bridesmaids to remain unpregnant until her wedding.  Yeah, it’s a lot to ask, but having just given birth to twins like the day before (well it seemed like it), I was all, SURE!!!!  So from that point on, I was all about birth control.  Actually I have two toddlers, so I’m mostly about abstinence, which makes for really good birth control.  Same diff.

My husband has always wanted to have four kids.  I wanted two.  But since we had two the first time, I sort of felt like I maybe wanted three.  Maybe.  So we talked and I told him I might be agreeable to another one, but only after this wedding.  We talked about trying once the wedding was over.  And it was so far away, I barely gave it a second thought.

The wedding is Friday.  Like two days from today.  And I’m no more prepared to get pregnant than I was a year and a half ago!  I don’t really even want to think about it.  The husband hasn’t brought it up yet, but he will, eventually.

This really should be a non-issue because, technically, I’m infertile.  I’ve already said I won’t do any more treatments and I meant it.  No more injections, no more inseminations.     But my body, being the freak of nature that it is, spontaneously started ovulating on a semi-regular basis about six months after the twins were born.  So I might actually get knocked up pretty quickly, you know, the old fashioned way.  Or maybe not.

Either way, I’m ovulating tomorrow or Friday.  Part of me wants to say, fuck it, let’s see what happens.  That’s a very small part, though.  The larger part has a million different reasons why now is an awful time to try to get pregnant.  Like the fact that I go almost completely insane trying to take care of the two kids I have.  Or the fact that our financial picture is less than rosy, to put it (extremely) mildly.  And also, the fact that I am finally on the way to having the body I want.

But then again, is there ever a perfect time?  If someone came to me with the excuses I have, I’d probably tell them, no, you’re never going to find the perfect time, so you might as well go for it right now.  I mean, if I’m probably going to do it anyway, why not do it now?  Are things going to be that much more perfect in a year?  No.  I’m just going to be a year older.  Chances are, I’m still not going to be thrilled with the idea of gaining weight.  And we’re definitely not going to be rich.  And my kids aren’t getting any easier.

Soooo….what?  What do I do?  The funny part is, three years ago, when I was going through infertility and loss?  I would have given anything to have the luxury of this little internal argument.  If only financial concerns and weight gain were the only things keeping me from having a baby!  I feel like such an asshole now.  But is feeling like an asshole a good reason to expand my family?

I’m torn.

I really don’t know how to proceed.

:/

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3 responses »

  1. I had to chuckle a little at your post – not at your expense, of course! I also had some fertility issues. Minor problems that were resolved with medication and enabled me to give birth to 2 beautiful children. We were about 99% sure we were finished having kids and on this past Christmas (1 month before my daughter turned 1), I found out I was pregnant. Talk about shock of my life. It may have taken me many months to get to a place where I am excited, but I am truly excited for this new baby. Good luck!

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