Two days ago, I went for a very overdue haircut. During my appointment, which feels a lot like a mini vacation, I asked about some sort of smoothing treatment that would enable me to cut down on my amount of blowdry time. We decided on Keratin Express, which is like the Brazilian treatment, but without the formaldehyde. It only lasts about 6 weeks, but it’s also much cheaper than the other one.
Over the years, I’ve learned not to get my hopes up for things like this. I have the kind of curly hair that looks ah.may.zing. about 5% of the time. The other 95% of my life, it is completely uncontrollable and not in that Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman way where I have to toss it around and blow it off my face. If there is even a tiny bit of humidity (which there almost always is), a bad hair day is almost guaranteed. The problem is, it never really dries completely. So if I touch it, at all, it loses any shape it had. And if I don’t touch it, it frizzes to my face and neck and slowly kinks up until I have a frizzy hair helmet. If there’s a drop of moisture in the air, I might as well throw it in a ponytail right then and there because there’s no hope of it looking normal down. Humid or not, I’ve completely given up on blowing it straight. It just never looks right.
I’d heard from quite a few people how amazing this Keratin stuff is at smoothing and getting rid of the frizz. It sounded miraculous to me. I admit, my hopes were high.
The whole process took about an hour and involved spraying and flat-ironing. When she was done, my hair looked incredible. It was shiny and bouncy and straight! It curled under just a tiny bit at the ends, which looked so pretty. I walked out of there with a gigantic smile.
I was told not to wash it for at least a day. My hair looked fabulous the whole next day and did not even start to feel greasy until that night. I’d waited a good 36 hours, so I decided to wash it with the special $40 shampoo and conditioner I was told would maintain the treatment longer. I stepped out of the shower and waited for my hair to air dry into the same look I left the salon with the day before.
That did not happen.
It air dried into the same frizzy mess it always did. I cursed and opened a bottle of wine.
The next morning, I was still in denial. Maybe I had just been overly optimistic in thinking this treatment would enable me to put forth zero effort for perfect frizz-free hair. The kids had a play date with some friends at 11, but it was only 9:30, so I sat down with a big round brush and blow drier and got to work. When that didn’t work, I pulled out the flat iron. And hour later, the kids had trashed my bedroom and I had straight-ish, yet still incredibly frizzy hair. I was panting and sweating and frustrated and, well, full of rage. I threw the mess up in a ponytail because it looked plain awful down.
The drive to our play date was unpleasant. I was incredibly tense. I yelled at other drivers. I got really angry with the GPS voice for not giving me enough warning about a turn and called her a f***ing B*tch.
Did you ever have one of those moments when you sort of rise up out of your body and look down at your outta control self and think, You know what? I bet I’ll get my period later today. And I did, later that day.
My mood got better. The play date was fun. The hair still looks like shit though. I’m not too sure what to do about it. I paid about $80 between the treatment and the shampoo/conditioner. I’m not one who typically complains or returns things, especially in situations like this where I like the woman who does my hair and I don’t want her to think I’m difficult and annoying. But she promised this would work. I think I’m more upset that I believed her and got my hopes up.