Monthly Archives: February 2011

Shore/Sure

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Until yesterday, I thought both of these words were pronounced the same – like ‘shore’.

Huh.

I think my Jersey accent may be worse than I realized…

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My Bully

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My child is only 13 months old and she is a bully.

As I bitched about earlier, the weather was piss poor today and as a result, the three of us were stuck indoors.  All day.  It was no fun for anyone and by early afternoon, the kids were in wretched moods.  I tried to entertain them as best I could, but really, how do you entertain two 13 month olds?  Basically, there is food and change of scenery.  Change of scenery was out due to the wind and there is only so much food a tiny person can consume in one day.  So we pretty much spent the time between eating and naps in the front room, playing with toys.  Well, they did that and I played on my lap top.

At one point I decided to take some pictures since I put Eliza in a dress today, which I never ever do.  But instead of getting some sweet pictures of my little girl, this is what I captured…sorry it’s so blurry – camera phone. :/

It started out fine.  Jack was just sitting there on his fire engine, looking cute and calm.

Eliza spotted him and decided she wanted the fire truck.  But first, she would flash the wall.

She tried intimidation

She then used force

And victory was hers

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta…


Park

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Last summer the twins were too little to do much of anything at the park, but not anymore!  Today was one of those days that is like an oasis in the middle of the desert.  It’s been a rough winter and it’s only mid-February, but today was 7o degrees and sunny.  It was heaven and I walked the twins to the park to enjoy it.  I wasn’t alone – quite a few other parents had the same idea.  Jack and Eliza went on the swings and the slide and wandered around exploring.  It was a fun afternoon!

Here’s some pics of their first time on the swings…

Present/Infant

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I listened to this song today and cried because I can identify with it so completely.

I’m a woman who grew up doing everything I could to change my appearance–make it better, make it perfect.  And of course, all that effort is in vain because there’s no way I’m ever going to be anywhere close to perfect.  I’ve never been happy with the way I look.  Not ever.  I fight with my body.  I fight extra pounds and a big nose and too-small lips.

And I’m crying because I don’t know how to fight all that and at the same time, convince my daughter that she is fabulous just the way she is.  I just want her to know how great she is and love herself…

“Present/Infant” Ani DiFranco

Lately I’ve been glaring into mirrors picking myself apart
You’d think at my age I’d thought of something better to do
Than making insecurity into a full time job
Making insecurity into an art

And I fear my life will be over
And I will have never lived in unfettered
Always glaring into mirrors
Mad, I don’t look better

But now here is this tiny baby
And they say she looks just like me
And she is smiling at me with that present infant glee
Yes, and I would defend to the ends of the earth
Her perfect right to be

So I’m beginning to see some problems
With the ongoing work of my mind
And I’ve got myself a new mantra
It says don’t forget to have a good time
Don’t let the sellers of stuff power enough to rob you of your grace

Love is all over the place
There’s nothing wrong with your face
Love is all over the place
There’s nothing wrong with your face

Random Grammy Comments

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I almost never watch awards shows because I don’t have the attention span for it – I rarely make it through the parts I don’t care about without changing the channel.  Hell, I can’t even make it through the musical guest on SNL without losing interest and turning on something else.  Or going to bed.  But I watched the Grammys last night.  Well I didn’t remember it was on until 45 minutes in, but after a bunch of FB updates about Lady Gaga and an egg, I turned it on.  Sadly, I was too late for that performance…

Lady Gaga

She won something.  I have no idea what it was or what she said in her acceptance speech because I was completely distracted by the prosthetic points coming out of either side of her forehead.  When I was in high school, my friends and I decided it would be a good idea to try acid.  It was a bad experience because I was seeing things that were not there, including devil horns coming out of my friend’s boyfriend’s forehead.  Lady Gaga reminded me of that.

Justin Bieber

Dear God,

Please, please, please take Justin Bieber out of the music industry before Eliza is old enough to want to go to one of his concerts.  I love my daughter to pieces and would go through any kind of torture just to make her happy and that includes a Justin Bieber concert.  I just would really prefer it not come to that.

Thanks,

Jen

Oh, and if my son ever tries to copy that hairstyle, I’m shaving his head.  BALD.

Jaden Smith

Okay, my very favorite moment last night was when Jaden Smith performed with JB and Usher and the camera kept flashing to Will and Jada.  They have spend, what, 20+ years in the entertainment industry, won awards, etc.  They’ve BTDT.  But watching their son, it looked like it could have been their first time.  They just looked so proud and excited.  Loved it!!!

Lady Antebellum

They looked just as shocked as everyone else that ‘Need You Now’ won Record of the Year.  I like that song – who wouldn’t like a song about getting drunk and pining away for your ex until you eventually give him/her a late-night booty call – but I liked all the other songs that were nominated better.   JMO

Eminem

Dude, you just won a Grammy.  SMILE. 🙂

Cee Lo Green and Gwenneth Paltrow

That was awesome.

Katy Perry

Love her.

Pink

Either she wasn’t there or she was on during the first 45 minutes when I wasn’t watching.  I think she’s really pregnant though, so probably she wasn’t there.  Her performance last year was stunning.  I missed her. 😦

The twins that almost weren’t…

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(I started this post on May 4, 2009, the day of my successful IUI.  Because I can’t believe my fabulous twins were justthisclose to not being conceived that ridiculous day I really wanted to tell the story, even if it is almost two years later…)

I am supposed to be going in for my IUI this morning.  I thought I had probably worried about every possible thing that could go wrong–ovulating too early, too late, not at all…Turns out, I didn’t even think about the one variable that would make the IUI completely impossible.

I woke the husband up at 6:45 so he could make it to the office by 7:30 with his sample.  He kissed me on the forehead and left our bedroom to find a secluded spot to wack off.  This will be our 4th insemination, so I’m used to the drill, as is he.

We have four cats, the youngest of which is not yet spayed.  She’s been in heat for a couple days now and just wanders around the house with her butt in the air, making cooing noises.  It gets pretty annoying and I eventually get exasperated with her behavior and yell at her to cool it because it doesn’t matter how trampy she behaves, no one in this house is going to have sex with her.  But that doesn’t stop her from trying.  Incessantly.

So I’m laying in bed, morning sunlight streaming in through the window, hurting my eyes and preventing me from going back to sleep for another hour.  I’ve got too much on my mind to sleep anyway.  I’m nervous about the IUI.  It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve done it before, my stomach is in knots.  I wonder how long I’ve been laying there and where S is.  I wonder if he left without saying goodbye.

A few minutes later he comes crashing into the room.  He throws his little plastic cup as hard as he can against the wall, which isn’t very hard because an empty disposable cup is light, and lets out a stream of unintelligible curses.  I’m able to pick out ‘Motherf*cking cat’ and ‘orgasm’ but the rest is lost between the buzzing in my head and what I’m sure is his incoherent rambling.  All I can think about is the empty cup.  It’s empty.  Why is it empty????? I start to panic on the inside, but know enough to force my appearance to remain calm.

‘Please calm down and tell me what happened.’  I wonder who is using my body as a puppet, because surely I couldn’t be so under-control.

He starts sputtering about the cat and the cup and almost getting the sample when she started circling his legs and making that sound she makes when she’s really horny…

Oh God, he didn’t get it. I have to look away because I feel my eyes getting wide with panic.  I see the clock and it’s 7:15.  The doctor’s office is a half hour away and he needs to be there by 7:30 with a sample he doesn’t even have yet.  Puppetmaster senses my extreme distress and takes over.

‘Just go back in the bathroom and shut the door.  I’ll call the doctor and say you’re running late.’

‘No, no you don’t understand.  It went down, it’s not going back up.  It’s too late.’

‘Okay, it’s fine.  Just go downstairs and watch some TV.  Maybe if you get your mind off it for a while…’

‘Fine.’  He leaves the room and I curl into a ball of panic and nerves.  Irrational thoughts have taken over my brain.  I wonder where I can get some sperm at the last minute.  Could I convince some guy on the street to let me have some?  I don’t even care if it’s S’s or not at this point, I just need some for the IUI.  It will still be my baby at least…

It’s been 10 minutes.  I go downstairs to check on him.  I’m losing my cool and find him on the couch watching cartoons.

‘Do you need some help?’ I say with zero sex appeal.

He looks at me with no small amount of irritation and says, ‘No.’

I go back upstairs.  I can’t believe this is happening.  I spent our last $2200 on this cycle.  I gave myself shots for two weeks, got my blood taken every other day, ultrasounds…all for nothing. And it was our last chance. I am laying in our bed again, curled up, consumed with self-pity, crying.  I have officially lost my cool.  Puppetmaster is gone – she has abandoned this sinking ship.  It’s almost 8:00 when he comes into the room to kiss me good-bye.

‘Where are you going?’ I ask him tearfully.

‘To drop this off, where do you think?’  He holds up the cup, which at this point might as well be a golden chalice with lights emanating* from all sides – the freaking Holy Grail of Sperm.  I laugh a kind of hysterical, nervous laugh and spring out of bed to call the office.

‘I have to call, what should I tell them?’

‘I don’t care, just say I’m running late.  Or tell them the truth, it doesn’t matter.’

I call.  I explain the situation to the receptionist who, from her nonchalant reaction, has heard this story before.  I call S and with that same hysterical laugh, I tell him if I get pregnant, I’m telling our kid this story when he/she is older.

**I didn’t know how to spell ’emanating’ and my first attempt was wrong.  Spell check changed it to ‘inseminating’ which I thought was freaking hilarious, considering the subject of this post.