starting to feel like deja vu

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I’m pregnant again.  And worried again.  I am 14dpo today and had an episode of bright red spotting two days ago.  It lasted most of Friday night, which just occurred to me is the same day of the week the bleeding started during my last m/c.  It wasn’t exactly like last time though…the blood wasn’t like period blood, which for me is usually a darker red.  This was more orangy-red and thin.   And it was not heavy like last time.

Saturday I worked a double and kept running to the bathroom to check but there was not a drop of blood.  I had some pretty painful cramping last night around 2:30 am, which actually entered the dream I was having and woke me up.  It was the kind of cramping that normally accompanies heavy bleeding, but when I went to the bathroom, nada.  I don’t know what that was about but I haven’t had any bleeding or spotting so far today either.

I don’t have a beta scheduled until tomorrow morning but I have continued testing at home which has yielded mixed results.  The tests don’t seem to be darkening a whole lot but they’re not getting lighter either.   I really wish there was a way to look into the future and see how this one is going to turn out.  I suppose all I can do is wait and try to relax.

All this testing and obsessing has been going on since the middle of last week.  I have my pile of tests (there are now eight of them) hidden on a shelf behind some paperwork.  I really want to tell my husband but I’m afraid of having to disappoint him again.  Not that he’d be upset with me, I just don’t want to put him through the heartache again if something happens.  I suppose I will have to tell him eventually though…

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