Back in the saddle…


Well, here I go again.  I’m halfway through my 5 days of Provera to bring on a new cycle.  It’s been about a month since my hcg was finally zero.

I’m a little sadder and a little wiser.

I realize now that there are no guarantees.  Not that I didn’t know that before, but before I was just being pessimistic.  Now I know from experience that bad things can, and do, happen.  And trying to ‘expect’ those situations does not make them any less shocking and painful when they actually happen.

I’ve had the last two months to heal, both physically and emotionally, from the pregnancy I lost.  I’m assuming that my uterus is back in order.  My feelings…well, I didn’t really deal with them much.  I just pushed them far away and distracted myself with other, more palatable, things.  I go to the gym a lot.  I fantasize about things that will never be, careful not to include babies into those artfully constructed fantasies.

So, here we go again.  Again.

This time, I’m going with an ‘I don’t care’ type of attitude.  Yeah right.  That’s so easy to say now, but give me another 3 weeks.  I’m sure I’ll be just as crazy as before.


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