Monthly Archives: August 2008

Betas mean NOTHING

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My betas were awesome. I had five draws and the doubling time was under 2 days for all but the last. That one was on Friday morning and it was 2.24 days–it went from 3600 to 9036. That was supposed to be my last beta. From there I was given an appointment for an u/s. Late Friday night…well actually very early Saturday morning, the bleeding started. WTF?

I went in for an u/s Saturday morning at 9:30, instead of waiting for my scheduled appointment on Monday evening. The found a gestational sac (smaller than it should have been, though they didn’t tell me that at the time) and a yolk sac. They couldn’t find a fetal pole, but they told me it was early for that. Again, not true. The nurse told me later that with my numbers, not only should there have been a fetal pole, but they should have been able to detect a heartbeat. But as of Saturday morning, the only information I had was that I seemed to be doing fine. They put me on progesterone suppositories as a precaution.

The bleeding had turned to brown spotting, which was almost gone by Sunday. Sunday night before bed, I had a brief episode of red bleeding that seemed to go away pretty quickly. Monday was more brown spotting.

At my u/s on Monday night, they could no longer find a gest. sac and said I probably bled into it, killing whatever was inside. They took blood and sent me home. They told me I am going to miscarry. Now I’m just waiting for the big show. The pain, the blood, the clots, the tissue.

And all this after fantastic betas. I am angry. I am devastated. I am back to being infertile. I cry and cry. How can I do this again? The innocence is gone. I’m sure this experience will take all the joy out of a future pregnancy, leaving me only with worry and fear.

3rd beta

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Beta yesterday was 710, up from 188 on Tuesday. Doubling time of 1.56 days! Progesterone was down to 45 from 56, but the nurse said that can fluctuate during the day and wasn’t concerned. She said if it dips below 25, I will need to go on suppositories.

Holy crap, I think I really may be pregnant. It’s just so hard to fathom after all this time. And it’s even harder because I don’t really feel very different and I certainly can’t detect a little baby growing in there. It’s frustrating to have tests to confirm pregnancy, but to have no evidence of it. It makes it so difficult to believe.

Reprieve

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Somehow, miraculously, my numbers went up for my blood test yesterday. They went from 36 on Saturday (12dpo) to 188 yesterday (15dpo). Those numbers look a little low to me, but I guess it’s the rise and not the numbers themselves that’s important.

I went out and bought a pregnancy book so I have some idea about what I’m supposed to be eating and not eating. Well, this book doesn’t really go into that too much, but it goes into graphic detail about all the things that can go wrong with a pregnancy. I’m already sort of panicky, so I don’t know how much of that I’m going to read.

I’m trying to make some lifestyle alterations to make myself a little healthier. First up, coffee. Although I know one cup of coffee per day is probably not that big a deal, I did go out and buy decaf. This morning I mixed a small scoop of regular with a larger scoop of decaf. I figure I can ween myself off the caffeine gradually.

Next beta is Friday. I’m already getting nervous. How long will all this nervousness last? I always sort of thought that once I became pregnant, I wouldn’t have to worry about things anymore. HAHAHAHA!!! It’s even worse than TTC! And I’m only 4 weeks 1 day!

betas

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My first beta, drawn on Saturday morning, was miraculously positive. It wasn’t high (36 at 12dpo) but it was positive. My first positive! And my progesterone was 40, which is completely acceptable. The nurse told me to take it easy, come back Tuesday for a repeat and, STOP TESTING. She said I will only drive myself crazy and whatever was going to happen was going to happen. I didn’t listen. And because of that, the last three days have felt like a month.

Friday night I had a reasonably dark test line on an Answer. Saturdays tests were lighter than the one I had taken the night before. I was somewhat relieved when they called with my beta number, but all hope faded away Sunday morning as I took the last non-digi test I had in the house, a Clearblue Easy +/-, and got a line so much lighter that I immediately started panicking.

I called my mother. In a shrilly voice that didn’t sound like mine, I asked what I was supposed to do, just sit around and wait to start bleeding? Her response was, ‘Well, if that happens, you’re just going to have to try again.’ I know she didn’t mean it to be insensitive and was just trying to stay upbeat, but it only upset me more.

I called my husband at work, who couldn’t talk because all of his coworkers were within hearing range and he couldn’t go outside at that moment.

My boss called and I told her. She said to try to remain positive, relax, read, paint my nails. Distract myself. I wished that were remotely possible.

Instead, I crawled into bed with my sad little test and tried to sleep. I cried, looking at the test every thirty seconds or so in case it had somehow darkened. Things looked very bleak as I wondered if it would just feel like AF or it would be worse. It occurred to me that if I hadn’t been going through all the treatments, if I hadn’t been obsessively testing since 5dpo, if I hadn’t been paying attention I would probably just think it was my period. And then I had a horrible thought. If the bleeding didn’t start, they would need to remove my tiny almost-baby by force…

So the last few days have been very long. I’ve tried to keep busy, going to a concert in Philadelphia on Sunday night and a friend’s birthday party last night–that was a weird feeling. I was at a bar–well a bar/restaurant–with a group of friends from work, and I was drinking club soda. Stefan was able to have a few beers because he knew I wasn’t going to get tipsy and need him to drive home. It actually felt good to be so in control. But drunk people smell kind of gross–I had never realized that before. I could smell the alcohol coming off their skin.

Anyway, today is my repeat beta. I’m nervous, but resigned. I’ll accept whatever they tell me and move forward. I will keep in mind that many women have experienced loss and my loss would be no more tragic than anyone else’s.

But I will also pray for a miracle.